My soul’s happy sense of ‘home’ The ocean, water, sand, blues, greens, scent in the air The beach Time with my kids though this year it’s just with my 19-year-old son.
Malibu, a few days ago We did what we’ve done 1000 times before Plopping everything down on the sand, our spot for the day But today, when my son took off his t-shirt, I had the sudden realization There was not one ounce of ‘boy’ standing before me I watched as he ran off into the ocean… Searching for signs of the little boy, but there were none.
There was a young man.
A visceral drop in the heart WTF? The pang Recognizing your little boy has turned into a young man (yes, I’ve ‘known’, but not really felt it or tuned into it) The little boy grown into this body of his And…the knowing he’ll be leaving for college soon.
I catch myself longing and grasping for summer days gone by. I hear the words in my mind… “I want more time.”
Time when both kids were little Before you really recognize how fleeting time is with them.
Longing for summer days gone by Long days at the beach Kids boogie boarding, body surfing, walks, exploring the tide pools, and all they hold At the end of those days, finally back home Pool, backyard BBQs Dinners outside A time long ago yet feels so close to the heart.
I catch myself wishing, and resisting what is ‘now.’
I realize I’m caught in a mind video of time gone by…which really only causes more ache.
I pause. Turning within Sensing into my body acknowledging the heartache and sense of loss My heart aches, sensing a constriction.
I take a few deep breaths- aware of the breath moving through my body No longer pushing the pain away but allowing a soothing & softening. Compassion arises.
Something shifts A sense of appreciation for the precious time alone with my son Exactly how he is Reveling in who he has become and what lies ahead for him.
My heart fills with love for this ‘boy’ of mine.
Basking in the sun I feel joy Not fighting or resisting But marveling in this moment Exactly as we are This shared love of the ocean, time in the water, another walk, time in the tidepools This time we have together…right now.
